5 years

Today's been 5 years . Time hasn't moved for me.  4 26 is my groundhog day.. (like the movie) Know people move on . I've  had every emotion on that honestly.   I grieve everyday.It took a long time to understand  why people could smile. Mom died 5/26 1 month later.   I still won't say the word  Ha#py. . I don't celebrate any holidays. I tried last Thanksgiving for Tonyana , then my brother called and my dad died at 11am.   I know loss .  I lost  communication and contact with everyone not that I had lots of  friends. But know they had no idea how to help.or made it worse. With ifs. But they had no idea..sometimes  I was toxic and my emotions were and sometimes still over the top. I'm lil better with that.  , realize people  Had to take next step, I've found peace with that.  I stopped being. I've opened up some. Still have God issues. But had dream few weeks ago. And we had a talk. I believe we are a collection of God. Meaning we are all one..  Matthew is still my life force. So I live everyday for him . Putflowersdown every week . I wear green everyday. Carry green bandana, everyday  I gave  one to all his close friends and family .. i wear my bracelets everyday. I wear a 2  green rings on ring everyday . finger cause he's my heart .if I take off my bracelets I have i have them tattooed on my wrist .I  talk to him everyday . He's still my everyday.  He's with me everyday.  Signs are uncharted. Know people are skeptical on that but that why i get up everyday. ...  in grief you find a purpose mines letting people know  when we leave this physical form we still exist. We still are here we are still all one.  Communication is different  but is still there..